Monday, January 25, 2010

O.k...part 2

So...when I stopped last I was heading off to college thinking that I was going into counseling.
Yes, I guess I wanted to earn my Dad's approval by being just like him.
Boy did God have a huge lesson to teach me there!

All through high school I must have seemed pretty approachable...because it seemed to me that everyone came to me with their problems. I guess I just figured that that must have been God's way of telling me what my future would hold. Big mistake.
I arrived at Bryan College shy and insecure. Really.....if my roommate was not there to go to a meal with me...I wouldn't go. I was so blessed with my roommate...and although we only had two years together we have kept up with each other over the years.
I don't know when the change took place....but all of a sudden during my second year God gave me the idea to start accountability groups. Here I was almost to scared to speak to a stranger and I was organizing and leading several groups that would meet in our room for scripture and then split to meet in small groups.
The only I was studying the word of God on a daily basis and praying.....there was something missing. I was gaining a mass of knowledge...but it seemed so empty. There was a huge void in my life.
I ended up leaving Bryan...a small Christian college...and I transferred to Louisiana State University.
Talk about small town girl going to the big city!
I had really transferred there to be close to a boy that I had begun dating by mail and phone. Not a good idea...but God used that semester to start showing me something about myself. I learned that I loved literature and delving into the meaning behind the authors work. God would later use this joy in my studying of His word......but I was not ready for that yet.
The relationship with the boy broke up (God really protected me there!) and I again transferred to another University.
It was during that time that I met Keith and we eventually got engaged.
I will say that during this time I began to drift away from God. I knew God did not approve of my life style and figure He would rather I was not around. Through my studies I became more self confident....but only in my own abilities.
From there....after a few events...we married and thoughts of school had to drift into the background.
I married and soon a child was on the this point God was in the distant past.
I was miserable, my marriage was miserable and our finances were in shambles. Fear was ruling my life.
Knowing that I must handle this situation......I enrolled in Culinary school. Ending up in fine dinning- I rose quickly in my field...I neglected to remember that talent comes from God.....and I became very prideful. I won awards, met some incredible people and had visions of moving away to build my name.
This pride led me to put school and my job before my family. My heart still hurts when I think of what I put my husband and my small son through.
And although I look back on those years as a mess.....I do know that God was showing me something about myself. I do believe He was using this time to build my self esteem.  So...I could survive on my own financially.....but did I really want to live with the same consuming emptiness? My marriage finally split...we separated for a year and a half before God finally got through to me.
We both had some growing to do.
I continue to pray that God will faithfully heal the damage done to my son during these years.
Keith and I finally began to work through our problems and I moved jobs so that I would be able to be home more often. Because I was in my thirties and not wanting to wait to late to have another baby.....we soon decided for me to go ahead and try. I got pregnant the first month.
By the time I was about 4 months pregnant God arranged for me to be home full time.
He was ready to begin drawing me back to Himself.
I look back on this time with such tenderness in my heart.
But this time it would not be all about gathering would be about me getting to know Him as my Daddy God. I remember the first time I told Him I wanted to know was a massive turning point in my life. And over the next few years I began to realize that He wanted me to come to Him as a little girl.
He would not turn me away....He loved me just as I was.
But what I learned was that there was a harshness in me that He needed to remove. He used relationships and His growing love in my heart to do that. It was an excruciating experience that took awhile...but one that replaced hardness for tenderness.
I still made so many mistakes...but I learned that He would not turn His face from me.
And .....I learned He was proud to call me His child.
During this time I also began to see my earthly father in a new light. I began to see the love I had for him....and I learned that I needed to know that he was proud to have me as his daughter.
And do you know that God answered that desire?
I was in my thirties when it was yesterday....remember dad putting his arms around me as he told me how proud he was of me. I felt like a huge hole in my heart just closed up in healing.
But do you see how God worked that? First He let me know how proud He was of me....and then my earthly father. He knew I needed to be fulfilled in Him first....and then the rest was just an extra gift.
In case I gave the impression that my dad was totally unfeeling...I will say that I do remember him often in my teens telling me he loved me. But my heart could not receive it....God had still to open my heart.
And He did!
So I had learned to know God as my Daddy God...but there are so many different ways to know Him.
The next my provider......that lesson would take several years before I finally GOT it.
I would like to head into that area in my next post.
He is a GOOD God....a God that can only love you.
He wants His little girl to come running to His slapping on the marble throne room floor-arms outstretched. :)
He sees the one you will be....and He promises never to stop until He brings you safely over that finish line.
And unlike an earthly father who would be tempted to keep from you anything that might hurt.......He is never hesitant to let you go through things that cause pain when He knows the other side will offer you incredible glimpses of who He really is.
The pure in heart will see God. Mat. 5:8   


Denise said...

I love you and your precious heart sis.

Winging It said...

Oh my. How neat is your closing! So get this...this past Sunday our Pastor preached on A Pure Heart - Psalm 24. AND God had laid it on my heart just 2 days before that! ANYwhooo, the definitions there of PURE - beyond the obvious mean - BELOVED! So, how's that?! We are most certainly BELOVED! Also, it struck such a chord, that it is the record breaking most requested immediately after service CD! Huh?!

Love ya! and LOVE, love, love Our Daddy God and our sweet families!


SunnySusan said...

He is never hesitant to let you go through things that cause pain when He knows the other side will offer you incredible glimpses of who He really is.
The pure in heart will see God. Mat. 5:8 this story and the ending of this....Yes, I am going thru a time when I have to fully trust in Him for finances...yikes...I hate that one....but He is ya girl

elaine @ peace for the journey said...

We've all walked a great many roads to get to the place we are today. I've logged in a lot of miles and issues along the way. I am thankful for the truth I now hold in my heart; I haven't always had it. I do think there is still some harshness in me, Sharon. Something yet untouched by the healing hands of God's love. I'm not sure what it is, but the ugliness I sometimes see in me issues forth from something. Your post has encouraged me to deal with it further as God gently engages my heart in the matter.

I suppose it would be a good thing for me to write some stuff down... from the beginning. I've just never really gone there fully; only bits and pieces.

Perhaps, I don't want to.

So thankful for the transforming work of our Father that binds our hearts to his and to one another.


luvmy4sons said...

So much in a life. So much. So much learning. And we see it so clearly in scripture that God allows suffering and wrong choices...because He knows how to motivate our hearts and work all of it out for our good. My heart ached as I read your words about how you put school and work before family....I hate to look back and have regrets. I have a few moments that will sweep in and I relive and the pain...and I even gasp in remembrance. I like how you worded that though you saw it as a mess God was showing you something. Yes, often lessons are best learned in ways we would not choose. Praise His name that He alone knows what is best and that His blood covers it all! Hugs sweet sister!

Denise said...

I remember a few years back, I was laying on my face begging the Father God to help me through the night and the things that I was facing.. If you fast forward a few years you will see me laying on my face begging the Father God not to let the things that I had gone through and the things that I have learned go to naught!

Today I still pray.... Help me Lord to share with joy the heartaches that brought me here....

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