Tuesday, April 14, 2009

In the beginning was fear......

Goodness!
How do you wrap up a lesson that has been in the teaching stage for several years.....and in a simple blog post? Knowing me...I am not sure that is possible. But I shall try.
The last few months in my life have been a huge teaching season. And it would have probably been best for me to have kept my mouth shut here while He was speaking....but it is o.k because He promised to work all things out in conformity with the purpose of His will.(Eph 1:11)
So I think it was important for you to see the struggle I was going through.
If you were perceptive...I was miserable.
I was reminded today in my reading that sometimes our spiritual eyes can be closed...and because of that we don't walk around under the influence of the hope to which He has called us. That was me!
Does that make sense?
Proverbs 13:12
Hope deferred makes the heart sick......
So we could say I have been sick.....and yes, I felt like it.
Pretty depressing don't ya think?
But what I held on to during this time was the fact that He PROMISED not to stop working on what He began working on(me).....till the Day of Christ Jesus.
And we all know that has not happened yet.
So all of us who are Christians are not without hope-it is a fact that-- He is still working on us.....Praise God He is not finished!

This could get really long....so if I need to stop.. I will just pick up where I left off at another time.

As a young child I had huge fears in my life.
And since my Mom often reads this I want her to know that God allowed this because the end result would be for the greater glory.
So Mom.....no need to feel guilty.....I knew I was loved and you and Dad did a good job with me. :)
From my earliest memories my mind was held by a lot of fear.Fear of not knowing what would happen, fear of someone hurting me, fear of not having enough money, fear of going to bed and having nightmares(I had night terrors).
Really the list was endless.
As I got older insecurities in my relationships with people began to surface...more fears.
I think we can safely say that fear ruled my life. :)
Some of those fears became so huge in my life that I almost could not stay by myself at night. Keith worked a job at night for awhile and when he got up at 2:30 to go to work...I would get up and stay up till the sun came up. And so you can imagine as a Mom with a young child...I was a mess. I was a believer....but God and I had not arrived at the place yet where I knew that I need to be freed. There was no real relationship.
I viewed that fear as more of a sin...I was letting Him down once again....and not as something that was a sin but that He loved me so dearly He would walk to the cross to be able to set me free. Phew..that was a mouth full.
Yes, I knew I no longer wanted to be so afraid.....but I could not see that He was the only one who could set me free.I guess you could say I was a pretty miserable person on the inside.
But you should know that I was trying to do what I knew to be right. And so I tried so hard not to be afraid...not to give into fear.

Then one day the teaching began......it started when I told God I wanted to know Him.
That took place over 10 years ago.......it has been a VERY bumpy ride since then.
He gave me a huge appetite for studying His word.....I really loved it. I took in so much information.....and the seeds were planted. But what I did not know...or consider....is that once you "have" the material.......then comes the teaching time.
You have to learn to walk it out before it becomes "yours".
So I learned...."fear not".......and God actually taught me how to deflect and not absorb the fear that would come when I was alone at night. It took awhile.....but I "got it". Now I can stay by myself and sleep peacefully. If you had told me that years ago I would have probably never believed it.
But like a weed rooted deep by spring rains.....the roots of fear were wide spread in my life.
Things like...
would we have enough money...would Keith have work.....would I be homeless......would people take me as I was.....would they accept that it was o.k for me as a woman to teach......would God just leave me where I was because I never seemed to get it?
On and on the list ran.
But what finally began to occur to me in bits and pieces was that my
trust/faith in Him.....it was conditional.
I trust You God if......you answer my prayers the way I think they should be answered.
I trust You if....we have money to pay our bills
...if no one gets sick as unto death
.....if, if, if
But at the time I did not even realize it...I was just a babe.
Kind of like the small child learning to ride a two wheel bike......pretty brave as long as the parent is running alongside holding on.
I even got to the point where I was thanking Him for the opposite of all the bad things I could imagine. Sad...but it was kind of like a lucky charm.
Kind of a warped view of "in all things give thanks". :)
Then one day God began to show me the limitations of my faith...faith that was being limited by a lack of knowing of His love. I read just the other day that fear is a lack of love--perfect love casts out fear. So it was not that I was not loved......I just did not know in the way I should the source of the love that was being given to me freely.
A few months ago I began hearing over and over again in my spirit--BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD. It was so hard...because I felt like I needed to have it all figure out. Or I was going to miss His voice or something I should be doing and life would be ruined.
Sometimes I would just have to tell my mind to (excuse me here)... SHUT UP!
And yes...sometimes I would get offended at myself. Ha! :)
During the Esther study Beth Moore reiterated what God was trying to teach me.
God is not going to approve the conditional faith in His children.
And there is no room in my life with Him for...ifs, ands or buts.
And so we were finally at the spot...either believe what He says...Perfect love casts out fear....or just stay locked behind bars. (We know He would not have left me there if I did not want it-but don't we sometimes think it would be just easier to stay than to have to go through the change?) Did I believe that He loved me enough to carry me through the raging flood in whatever disguise it might come?
I knew from what I had learned that that answer for me was......YES!
And turning to look God in the face I was finally able to say......I trust YOU.
I trust You enough to let go of the fear. I trust that even if I have to go "there" you will be with me. And that You are bigger and more powerful than anything in this world that might come against me.....and you will set its limit and what it can do to your child.
I will give you the......
Fear that I might be homeless......that my husband might find someone he likes more than me...that maybe I might miss your voice and mess up....that my children might not choose the path we have...fear that He would let me crash and burn...fear that I would have to go through it alone.....and on and on.....

So I think you get where I am going here. Walking in love is so much easier than walking in fear.
And you know what? The peace and contentment....oh my goodness!!!!
I can honestly say that I have never been here before.It is a security that I have never experienced. Life on The ROCK. It is a place I stay when I choose to trust.
As hard as it may be to believe
this is a very abbreviated version of what I have been through to get where I am today.
But I want you to know that I have learned......everything and everyone in our lives can be used by God to set us free. There is not a cave deep or dark enough to hide us from the love of God. He is patient and persistent..........He will make a way where there seems none.

Will I find later that there are other fears in my life that I have not recognized yet?
Yes.....because Perfection has not yet come....He is still working on this master piece. Will old fears trying and regain their stronghold? They already have.....but greater is He who is in me than he who is in the world.
I am going to stop here for now...I think you have had enough. :)
But I shall return!
Thanks for listening....but you are good that way-aren't you?





9 comments:

ThreeGirlyGirls said...

I know.....that bible study kicked my hiney too.

Where are you guys at now?? Did you find a house yet? Does Keith have a job now? I haven't had an update from you in so long I was just checking to see where you were at with everything! Love ya!!

Denise said...

Sis, I love you, and I am so happy to read this post. Praise God for always teaching us.

Shirley said...

Sharon, I am so happy for you. It is so great that God does not give up on us....for that I am so thankful...there is a lot of work to be done on me yet. Bless you for posting your heart...showing the work God has done in your life.

Hugs to you.

luvmy4sons said...

You will never know what a timely post this was. And I thank you sweet sister for your refreshing honesty and letting us into that wonderful mind of yours and sharing. Recently a person has come into my circle that is near and dear but has suffered for years with anxiety and depression and attacks despite the obvious faith and walk with the Lord. Reading your post helped to give me such an insight. Thank you. I am so glad that God is setting you free! I have been struck before in my times with God that it must sadden Him to see me fearful...it shows an alarming lack of trust on my part. My spells come and go more quickly...but even the moments when I am in them it is awful and I am always so glad when His Word sweeps in and His Spirit fills my heart and delivers me. Love ya girl! Just love ya!

grey like snuffie said...

Hope deferred makes the heart sick......
So we could say I have been sick.....and yes, I felt like it.

You have to learn to walk it out before it becomes "yours".

He will make a way where there seems none.

GREAT STUFF---I could so relate even though our issues are different...our God is the same. :)
I finish up Esther tomorrow night...then I must go through and compile all the "thoughts" that HIT HOME in my spirit....

Thanks for the privilege to peek in...sometimes I think I should shut my blog down because I keep circling with the dark night of the soul as Beth called it. I don't believe that I communicate any where near your wonderful thoughts...really instructive and encouraging to the soul along the way. so thank you.

MelanieJoy said...

You know...you and I have been walking this thing out together for about a year or more now. Spiritually you are ahead of me but that's ok...because you are that "balcony person" for me. You know me enough to know (better than me) that I'm in the midst of this lesson too. I'm grateful you captured this lesson in words, as best you could, here for us to read. Thank you for letting me in so I can see an example of what He can do in someone's life.
I want to "get it" this thing called trust. He and I have come a long long way in the areas of fear. You are right about the reaccuring of old ones and the finding of one not dealt with appearing.
May we continue to sit still and listen...as He continues to teach.
Love you friend!

Nise' said...

Thank you for sharing my friend. I love the Springy look!

I was in this place a few years ago as well and He has ever so gently and patiently set me free bit by bit, bump by bump. It has been hard, but He is faithful and I have ALWAYS found Him in the midst of it all grabbing my hand when I threaten to jump right back into that pit. You are so right..walking in love is so much easier than walking in fear.

SunnySusan said...

Whoa...Sharon....

I kinda knew you had a "thing" with fear...but....

I am still fearful of some things...and I will read this again and pray the Lord speaks to me also in this...heart sick...yeah been there alot and yesterday was a another lesson for me in that...

Our God reigns....Blessed be the Name of the Lord

Mary said...

Sharon,

For many years, I too lived with fear. Today I have peace and it's all to the glory of God. Sometimes that old fear tries to reestablish the roots and I rebuke it in the name of Jesus. We will never reach perfection until the time that we are in Heaven. You are a beautiful person, my friend. God bless you for the things that you teach me.

Blessings,
Mary