Tuesday, November 25, 2008

So here's the deal

Thanks again for all the prayers....after the melt down.
And it was a true meltdown.....I haven't been that emotional in awhile. Guess we all need one now and then....as I told someone... it cleans out the tear ducts. :)

Ya'll know that Keith and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that God cleared the way for us to come here. We felt He was leading us to the mountains and if that involved a ministry to the body...we were all for it. We still are.
So here we are..... in our camper..... in the mountains.....still.
As each month I have paid the bills my concern has grown as the money has slowly begun to disappear. And the fact that in my head I had planned for it to go toward a down payment on a house....well, my concern began to turn to panic. Panic then begin to turn to anger and confusion.
I began to talk to God about it......since He knew it was there already I figured it would be a good idea. At first the concern was that He would hurry up and show Keith the job so that then we could go to the bank and get a loan for a house. Keith kept looking and applying and still no job.
What is really funny....not in a LOL way....was that He moved us into an area that is dying for jobs. The unemployment rate is horrible...really.
So my prayers.....through my human understanding were....
Um, God did we not hear you right?
Maybe we moved to quickly? Surely you don't mean for all of our house money to be spent on just surviving in a camp ground. I thought the plan was to bring us here and put us in a house.
If you don't do something soon that huge down payment is not going to be so huge.!!!!!

And then God would remind me once again that YES, this is where we are supposed to be....just be still and know that He is still God.
And so I would rest......until another month went by without a job.
We have now been here since the end of July.
I thought about Sarah and Abraham and their journey.
Abraham followed what God had told Him and Sarah followed Abraham. I wonder what in the world she thought of her husband.....and did he share with her word for word what God told him to do. I think from experience later on...probably not.
Can you imagine him telling her...Sarah, say goodbye to your son because the God we serve wants me to take him up on the mountain and offer him up as a sacrifice. So, no I don't think he shared everything with her. :)

They knew the promise God had made(a baby) and yet saw no evidence of it...till eventually time passed and the promise was now humanly impossible.
And so Sarah decided she had to take over.......surely her husband had gotten it wrong.
My guess was that Abraham had started to doubt too.
.........why else would he so easily have followed the wishes of his wife?
This is where I am now.
I don't ever want my times of doubt to cause my husband to do something that distracts from the glory of God's promise. Then come the times where the common sense side of me steps in and says, Now Sharon you know that Keith has to have a job. God is not just going to plop one in his lap......he needs to be out pounding the pavement everyday......showing God that he is working to take care of you.
(I wish there was a picture that I could put here of me pulling my hair out...but I wouldn't do that to you.)

And then I remember the horrible example of Sarah.......and I shut my mouth.
Hey, I am not dumb..... I want to be in that faith hall of fame!
I want ya'll to know that I do not have a lazy husband. He has worked hard for us for the past 12 years....not always perfectly....but he is a worker. He is also a man of faith.
And sometimes he walks by faith a whole lot easier than I do.........afterall, it is a whole lot easier to walk by sight. And of course my whole need for security gets all twisted around my feet and before I know it I am flat on my face......in a puddle of my tears.
Then it only takes one thing...like a crummy 20th anniversary.... to convice me that--See, you are right- you are not on the top of the list of your husbands pirorities.
Goodness...how ever does he live with me?

Sunday morning I did not go to church......I just could not handle having to smile nice.
I went out and stood by the creek and looked into the sky and just cried out to my Daddy God.
There was a whole lot said....but the gists was that I needed Him to hold me.
I needed to put my head on His chest and just hear the steady beat of His love for me.
And you know what? He did just that.
By the time I got up my heart was tender toward my husband again and overflowing with love for my God. I wish you could have felt the love that was covering me.

I am sharing this because you need to know my heart. It beats strong for my God. And if this is the journey that He wants me to walk.....I want to walk it out loud.
I wasn't going to share all this until I got an email devotional from someone I have grown to love very dearly....I call her "my tomorrow girl".
Here is a part of an email she sent me yesterday and God used it to affirm that we are on the right road and God is just calling us to wait and keep our hope.
I have asked her permission to share it so here it is-
"Hi Sharon, .......... Somehow I always see you as a Pioneer in the Faith, like the women on the Oregan Trail...blazing a trail for the next folk to come, paving a way...just a thought that came and not what I was going to be typing about...........I didn't sleep well last night and prayed for a few folk and I prayed for you too, for your future, for Keith's job and the sense I got - not sure if I'm right but that you are in the right place at the right time and to hold and stand fast and wait (oh joyful word!).........The world says jump, make your own way - but God often has us on very alternative paths.
I am still getting that feeling of you being a Pioneer woman in the faith, not in your wagon but in your camper van. There is a tenacity, there is a warrior, a woman who is all woman, but she is not going to have her inheritance snatched - she is fighting in the spiritual realm, she is being refined as gold."

Is our God personal or what?!
If you have stuck with this post this long.....you are a real sweetheart!
Thank you for walking this walk with me.....it means more than you will ever know.
Thanks for spending time on your knees before the Father......I know He has heard a lot about me lately. :) I am back on me feet....waiting....waiting and waiting some more....till Daddy God says it is time to go.
Love you guys!
Walking with you has been such a blessing!


Halfmoon Girl said...

Oh, what a post- had me welling up with tears- I so know that panic feeling when it seems like there isn't action on God's part. Had me smiling as I picture you as a pioneer woman too. Thanks for sharing your struggles- I think it is so important to know that we all fall down, but God will always lift us up when we call. Praying, and waiting to see what God has in store.

Shirley said...

I am so happy for you, that you have received encouragement and comfort from God. I know what it is to wait, wait and wait some more. I am still waiting. But, praise God....He is in control....He knows the future and what is best for us. I pray you have continued encouragement, comfort, faith and hope. God is with you.

Sharon said...

Well I guess I am a sweetie cause I stuck it out!! And yes you can stick it out there too. I am praying for you. I am glad that you have found your peace again with God. Sometimes I know its hard to just sit and be still, but I know you hear from God and he is sheltering you and comforting you. Remember Relax he is in Control! It is really good to hear from you.
Be Blessed and have a wonderful Thanksgiving
Huggggssss :)

MJ said...

Awesome post ~ I bet he is loving hearing a lot about you! :) Sometimes taking some alone time can do much more for renewing our Faith than anything else. I will continue to pray for you and your husband.

luvmy4sons said...

Wonderful. Wonderful honesty and transparency...so many times we hide our struggles and it only makes others feel as if they struggle alone or have weak faith! I so appreciate your honesty. I think we all want to be Sarah's from time to time and rush in and take care of things. What a timely e-mail. What a wise person you are not to be Sarah and rush ahead of God and husband. Look what we have today because of her choice. The walk of faith not by sight is quite the difficutl walk at times. Thanks for sharing your struggle and subsequent ministerings from our merciful God. Hugs to you! I had a thought as I read your post...sometimes God has us give up the good in order to give us the best...Your best is coming!

MelanieJoy said...

I meant what I said earlier about this post...
And I read what you wrote on our "common friend's" post...have to admit it made me smile. It
makes Heaven all the more sweeter...

Sandi said...

Thank you for sharing your heart. God will use this to encourage and bless others.

Denise said...

Thanks for sharing your heart, and your faith. You inspire me sis, I love you.

Shelley said...

How I needed to be reminded not to be like Sarah in that way, doubting God, and talking my husband into my idea! Thanks for sharing your walk.

I will keep you in my prayers as you seek the perfect will of God. What a wonderful friend to send you that word. I wonder how many times God gives us a word for someone and we neglect to share it.

Denise said...

Bless your heart and I am so sorry for what you have gone through and although we do not understand all things that the Lord is doing we believe that he IS doing ! Walking by faith is never easy but always worth it.......HE is faithful, HE will accomplish what HE has started........ HE is faithful!

Have a Thanksgiving that is full of the peace of God.........

SunnySusan said...

Wow, girl...you do have a pioneering spirit in you. I have been praying for you...you are an inspiriation to me....I love you....keep hanging on...

melanie said...

I love how open and honest you are. I have so many of the same feelings as you do- as we are not sure where we should be or what we should be doing right now. But I have such a hard time sharing what is on my heart. And it means a lot to me when I know others are going through the same kinds of things as I am.

Praying for you!

Sweet Mummy said...

Hiya Sharon! I'm so glad Karen pointed us toward one another (again). WOW - talk about similar journeys here!!!

We've been waiting in this space since August, and were in a stalling time (was meant to be a sabbatical) since April before that. We sold our house in April, and everything finalized in June, so we were sitting on our own little nest egg, hoping to use that for a nice downpayment on our house in our next place...

...and we're still waiting (though hopefully coming to the end of that time). And since it's been so long without work, our nest egg has been severely whittled down, and consequently we don't have as much of a downpayment as we'd like, and that dropped our 'doable' price range down a bit as well. Not our plan, but we gotta do what we gotta do, and we're trusting that it will be OK anyway.

I have asked many times if this waiting time would get us anywhere, and have also been reminded that sometimes all we're meant to do is wait.

Your 'tomorrow girl' there has also shared some things with me that were spot on and have been encouraging as well.

I could go on, with more similarities, and I know you got some idea about it from my blog (I have tried not to talk about it much on there... I can really get carried away sometimes, but there are a few older posts that are more detailed).

Thanks for sharing your heart with us. I really appreciate it, and I can honestly say that I'm walking that road 'with you' as well!!

~ Sweet Mummy
It's OK to be WEIRD!

Anonymous said...

Believe it or not, there is a bright side and something you can be thankful for if finding something to be thankful for is difficult at times. At least you haven't been called a Nomad or a Gypsy. Take my word for that, it just adds fuel to that insecurity fire.

try2bAsunbeam said...

Ha! I'm a sweetie too, cuz I read every word! (I think every word, maybe I read so fast I skipped one or two...) Anyway, I was thinking of a story in the Bible as I read...I think it's Abraham too, but maybe it was Moses...no, I'm pretty sure it was Abraham. Anyway, I am always reminded that when whoever it was prayed to God for rain, he prayed expecting rain, not just hoping for rain, but he was expecting it. I think that in your situation, it's easier to pray hoping for something to happen. I hope that you pray expecting it happen, because it will. Whatever it is, it will happen. God is faithful, much more than we ever even hope to be. Then the verses come t mind where God says something about clothing the lillies of the field and Solomon in all his glory, how much more so His children. Do not worry about tomorrow for each day will take care of itself. Live today, hun, as for the Lord and not for man (or self) and He will direct your paths and He will clothe you in all the glory you can imagine. It may not amount to a huge downpayment here, but imagine the honor and glory you will have when you meet Him, just for trusting in Him and His plan, whatever it may be...
Love ya,

D said...

Oh, I'm praying. ((( hugs )))

I posted re: your meme today and somehow I goofed up and did a 'thankful' meme instead of 'what I love' meme. Anyway, I do love these things AND I'm thankful for them too! ;) God bless!