Just processing

I am just here to talk.
Yesterday we started dialysis with Paw Paw.
It was pretty sudden-I could see the changes taking place over the last few days. Kind of scary for me because I am responsible for him. I did not want to be one of those people who is overly concerned when it might have just been the signs of age in a 92 year old. But I do want to make sure that I take care of him--he has been entrusted to me. There are so many emotions here that i could talk about. Things that make my heart tender and things that aggravate me and make me call on the Lord for help. I am learning that this is not so strange for a caregiver.
So I called the doctors to let them know that i did not think we would make it all the way to next week and I told the nurse what I was seeing.
She said she would call me back and within about thirty minutes
we were on our way to start dialysis.

He was not feeling good and a little confused. Keith was at work--a whole other subject--and so Paw Paw and I arrived by ourselves. We knew this was coming but there really has been so much going on that I guess I had not really processed things.
From the cancer diagnoses in December, to the start in the decline of his health, to knowing we would be starting dialysis soon.
We got to the office and sat to wait for them to come get him. As we sat there he started crying.
Ya'll my heart.......
I don't even know how to explain what went through me.
When you take a 92 year old man and take him away from his wife of 17 years because her family decides she needs to be put in a nursing home. Then you tell him his kidneys are shutting down because he has cancer that is not curable and a whole list of other things.........
And now he is feeling bad in his body and his emotions--goodness.
I love this little man who sometimes drives me crazy.
So I sat there and just rubbed his back and told him it was going to be o.k and I was right there.
So they came and got him and then I had a ton of paper work to fill out.
Then social worker really threw me for a loop.
You could tell she had been trained to deal with people who were going through a rough time.
But, and I am learning this about myself--I would whole lot rather be comfortor than have someone comfort me. She made me really uncomfortable--and not because she was weird.
As we filled our paper work out she was making small talk and I was like--ha, ha-not real laughter of course. Just kind of letting her know I heard what she said. And then she said--"You know it is o.k to fake laugh when something is not really funny---that is a normal reaction when you are nervous and under emotional strain."
I just smiled but on the inside I was like ??????????? What the heck!!!!!!
Nothing like hitting the nail on the head. Especially when the nail does not want to draw attention to itself personally.
This nail likes to process alone. :)
I care very deeply for people. I don't make attachments easily--but people become part of my heart easily. I don't know if that makes sense.
So of course after her statement I started really thinking about what was going on in my
heart and mind.
My heart is feeling a tad tender. I do feel like I am living life inside a snow globe that someone is busy shaking up.
Psssst!
Put the snow globe down and slowly walk away! :)
Now you might think I posted this to seek sympathy or empathy.
And that would be o.k because we all need that. Yes, Sharon--- even you.
But truthfully that is not the case. Remember I am learning that I have a real hard time graciously and truthfully taking that from people.
And in my mind I think--Paw Paw is the one going through all this anyway--get a grip!
I truthfully wrote this because I need to process and writing it down and talking is how I process. And I just needed there to be something on paper about all this.
There are so many people going through this that have no one to talk to.

God is teaching me that I need to be able to take comfort and empathy from people.
I know that i am not above that. I know that I have needs.
Aren't emotions a whole jumble of mess?
So.....pray for me as I walk this journey. That is not too hard to ask for.
After all God already know what I need.
Scripture does say that we will be able to comfort others with the comfort we have been given.
So if I want to have something to give--I had better learn to take what has been provided.
Now didn't that sound all prim and proper?
Me?

Thank you.
I feel a little better.
Now I must go and study.
Had to get that off my mind to make room for something else.
I love you guys!
Really!
There is a room in my heart for all my blogging sisters. I go in there and look around and wonder what is going on in your lives and then I say a prayer here and there for you as God brings you to memory. You will always have a spot with your name on it.
Thanks again for listening to me process.
Maybe instead of Sit With Me Awhile
I should have called this blog--Listen To Me Process. ;)

And yes, I would be glad to listen to you process any time you need to. :)