Thursday, February 28, 2008

Just processing

I am just here to talk.
Yesterday we started dialysis with Paw Paw.
It was pretty sudden-I could see the changes taking place over the last few days. Kind of scary for me because I am responsible for him. I did not want to be one of those people who is overly concerned when it might have just been the signs of age in a 92 year old. But I do want to make sure that I take care of him--he has been entrusted to me. There are so many emotions here that i could talk about. Things that make my heart tender and things that aggravate me and make me call on the Lord for help. I am learning that this is not so strange for a caregiver.
So I called the doctors to let them know that i did not think we would make it all the way to next week and I told the nurse what I was seeing.
She said she would call me back and within about thirty minutes
we were on our way to start dialysis.

He was not feeling good and a little confused. Keith was at work--a whole other subject--and so Paw Paw and I arrived by ourselves. We knew this was coming but there really has been so much going on that I guess I had not really processed things.
From the cancer diagnoses in December, to the start in the decline of his health, to knowing we would be starting dialysis soon.
We got to the office and sat to wait for them to come get him. As we sat there he started crying.
Ya'll my heart.......
I don't even know how to explain what went through me.
When you take a 92 year old man and take him away from his wife of 17 years because her family decides she needs to be put in a nursing home. Then you tell him his kidneys are shutting down because he has cancer that is not curable and a whole list of other things.........
And now he is feeling bad in his body and his emotions--goodness.
I love this little man who sometimes drives me crazy.
So I sat there and just rubbed his back and told him it was going to be o.k and I was right there.
So they came and got him and then I had a ton of paper work to fill out.
Then social worker really threw me for a loop.
You could tell she had been trained to deal with people who were going through a rough time.
But, and I am learning this about myself--I would whole lot rather be comfortor than have someone comfort me. She made me really uncomfortable--and not because she was weird.
As we filled our paper work out she was making small talk and I was like--ha, ha-not real laughter of course. Just kind of letting her know I heard what she said. And then she said--"You know it is o.k to fake laugh when something is not really funny---that is a normal reaction when you are nervous and under emotional strain."
I just smiled but on the inside I was like ??????????? What the heck!!!!!!
Nothing like hitting the nail on the head. Especially when the nail does not want to draw attention to itself personally.
This nail likes to process alone. :)
I care very deeply for people. I don't make attachments easily--but people become part of my heart easily. I don't know if that makes sense.
So of course after her statement I started really thinking about what was going on in my
heart and mind.
My heart is feeling a tad tender. I do feel like I am living life inside a snow globe that someone is busy shaking up.
Put the snow globe down and slowly walk away! :)
Now you might think I posted this to seek sympathy or empathy.
And that would be o.k because we all need that. Yes, Sharon--- even you.
But truthfully that is not the case. Remember I am learning that I have a real hard time graciously and truthfully taking that from people.
And in my mind I think--Paw Paw is the one going through all this anyway--get a grip!
I truthfully wrote this because I need to process and writing it down and talking is how I process. And I just needed there to be something on paper about all this.
There are so many people going through this that have no one to talk to.

God is teaching me that I need to be able to take comfort and empathy from people.
I know that i am not above that. I know that I have needs.
Aren't emotions a whole jumble of mess?
So.....pray for me as I walk this journey. That is not too hard to ask for.
After all God already know what I need.
Scripture does say that we will be able to comfort others with the comfort we have been given.
So if I want to have something to give--I had better learn to take what has been provided.
Now didn't that sound all prim and proper?

Thank you.
I feel a little better.
Now I must go and study.
Had to get that off my mind to make room for something else.
I love you guys!
There is a room in my heart for all my blogging sisters. I go in there and look around and wonder what is going on in your lives and then I say a prayer here and there for you as God brings you to memory. You will always have a spot with your name on it.
Thanks again for listening to me process.
Maybe instead of Sit With Me Awhile
I should have called this blog--Listen To Me Process. ;)

And yes, I would be glad to listen to you process any time you need to. :)


Nise' said...

Sharon, you wrote this post to help you process, but guess what?.. it was for me as well! I am so like you in that it is uncomfortable to be comforted by others who are not very close to me. I am being taught to accept and even ask for help. Thank you for processing "out loud" today.

Tiffany said...

Sometimes it's just nice to read something real- I mean plain everyday real life. Thanks for sharing!

Mimi's Toes said...

Here you go again ministering to me girl. I am praying for paw paw and you as a caregiver, for strength and peace. I am going thru some similar situations and can relate to this. Let's hold each other up in prayer and we can get thru this sister! Thanks for letting us listen to you Process...You are one of my favorite bloggers...I'm going to start calling you "Pastor Sharon"

luvmy4sons said...

You are too precous. Having bureid my father in law and my mother in law after a stint of serious illness I can so understand. It is all sort of surreal. I look back at a lot of it and wished i had said something more or less and done something different. Now I care for my elderly aunt. There will always be something liek that to deal with. I just wanted to say to look at receiving comfort like this. TheBible telsl us that it is more blssed to give than to receive. SO when you allow others to give to you, you are blessing them. Somtimes it is more of a blessing to let someone give to you than it is to bless yourself through giving to them...does that make sense? You are in my prayers dear sister. I love to process with you!

freetofly said...

Sharon, I know what you mean, more than I would like to! Not through the dealing with sick parents though, and I am sorry for what He and his wife are going though. And for you all too, watching it must be grueling.

I completely agree with Leslie. Its true, it will help you to remember that it blesses the giver, knowing you, that will make it easier, bc in you know you are helping them! ;-)

I like what you said about neededing to RECEIVE it in order to be able to GIVE it! WISE, WISE Words, Obi-Wan!



Sandi said...

You wrote how I've been feeling with my dad these past few weeks. When asked how am I? I repond I'm doing ok. I don't want to be the comfortee I want to be the comfort. My story with dad is different but the feeling is the same. Thank you for sharing.

CrownLaidDown said...

Oh you have listened to me process. And you do pray for me. Thank you. so much. for being that kind of friend!

Praying for you, Keith and your family, especially Paw Paw.

Love you girl!

PS Thank you for praying for us. I cannot tell you how thankful I really am. Much love to you!

Connie@Little Red Hearts From God said...

oh my sweet friend. The emotions being still so raw for myself. I know...I know...
The world continues to fly by in superfast speed now as you and yours come to a hault.

You know when you get burned and the slightest liquid of any temperature touches that area, it hurts. Now-- anything that touches your life, will be magnified and the pain will be great.

Paw Paw will be healed... but in the manner of what way, will be up to our Lord. The passing of an era is about to embark either way.

You are walking into the arms of our Lord because you have NO control over what is happening. You watch him slip away from your grasp. It hurts like the dickens....

There are really no words.. but girlfriend... talk and talk and I am here to listen.. My shoulder is here....
2 corinthians 1:3-5... for the Father of all Comfort.... as He walked along side of me, that I may now walk along side of you...

You are very precious to me Sharon and I love ya girl...

Praying for you

Dee said...

((( hugs ))) Praying for your family. D

Deb said...

Oh sweet Sharon, I too as you know was my 92 yr old fathers caregiver.
I am praying for you, feel your feelings as they come and go,and know God is right there with you and Paw Paw:) (((hug))) and prayers.
love you my friend...

Melanie said...

Wow! ((((hugs)))) I never had a thought that you were writing this for sympathy. I understand just needing to get it all out there.
I feel awful for Paw Paw- he is going through so much. And for you too- being the one who is there to take care of him. I'm praying for you! And Paw Paw!!

Denise said...

Gosh...... guess I have no need to say much here.... you have heard this all from me in the past couple of days... It is good that we can put into writing what our hearts fear...... I so love you for posting this today as I am not able to post my feelings...... too many people reading it....... but I do thank you for your words... they helped me more than you know...........


Vicki said...

Your post caused me to tear up and sniffle...trying not to cry...guess I'm recalling the emotions I experienced when both my parents took ill and died of cancer. It was hard, emotionally, to process it from day to day but the Lord showed me so much grace. (Not sure I've finished grieving). I'll be praying for you, sweet friend. So sorry for this turn of events and for Paw Paw's fragile health. He sounds so sweet. I pictured you rubbing his back, comforting him - he's blessed to have you there.

Wanted to say I'm so thankful that you have room in your heart for me. I've never been good at receiving comfort, mainly 'cause of so much trauma/hurt in my life and friends who weren't dependable...but through it, the Lord had a chance to show me more of Himself so I'm not complaining:-)

Love you, sister of mine.
Let me know how you are. K?


Halfmoon Girl said...

When you talked about Pawpaw breaking down and crying, my heart flipped over- what a sad moment. How wonderful that he has you in his corner, even though caretaking can be trying at times. I will pray for you all. Thank you for sharing and giving us the opportunity to support you. You are a big support to others, but it is appreciated when you share a need as well.

Amy said...

oh that would've made me uncomfortable too, talk a/b stating the obvious. I know this is a very hard thing, thanks for letting us share in this time with you so that we can pray for you and encourage you. Love you!

Nicki said...

I imagine that caring for a loved one is very hard, especially when they are sick. I'm praying for you that God would continue to give you the strength to endure it even when it's hard. And maybe we all need to pray for this social worker!! Whew. Your care for other's is so apparent, it truly shines through! Press on!

Denise said...

My dear, dear friend. My heart is hurting for you, wish I was there to give you a great big hug. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I love you.

Edge of Design said...

I know you're not asking me what I believe and I don't mean to offend you by telling you anyway. I only want to encourage you with what I believe. I believe that the Lord wants to comfort us and wants to wrap His arms around us no matter what degree of hurt we are experiencing. In order to do so, He comforts our heart and He uses people to show us how real He can be. When you have discernment, which I believe you do, you'll be able to discern who is there for you because of Him and who is there for you because its their job.

Denise said...

:) Glad you stopped by today...

Happy Hugs Friday!!!!!

Kate said...

Praying for you, Keith, PawPaw and all the family. . .Hugs, Kate

Pastor Lisa said...

My mom is caring for my 93 year old Nana. This is not easy since Nana is not mobile. Not completely bed ridden though. She can sit up in her rocking chair with some assistance. Paw Paw has tugged at my heart and all of you are in my prayers. God bless you for being such a good caregiver. I'm concerned about my mom and how she'll cope with Nana going to Heaven one day. She'll complain sometimes about how hard it is but can't imagine life with Nana in it. Caregivers are awesome people.

God bless sweetie.

Karen said...

Oh my, you know I have read this post 2 or 3 times but could not find the right words. I felt for you all so much. May God give you abundantly the grace you require, oh may he help Paw Paw, may he give you wisdom. Bless your wonderful caring heart Sharon.

try2bAsunbeam said...

Aw, Sharon, my heart goes out to you...
Everyone of my family members that I know have have went on to eternity fighting the big "C"...You are a strong woman and even stronger with Jesus holding you up when you might feel weak. And just think of how much stronger you are with all your bloggy sisters holding you up in prayer! You're like she-woman!! LOL

try2bAsunbeam said...

Aw, Sharon, my heart goes out to you...
Everyone of my family members that I know have have went on to eternity fighting the big "C"...You are a strong woman and even stronger with Jesus holding you up when you might feel weak. And just think of how much stronger you are with all your bloggy sisters holding you up in prayer! You're like she-woman!! LOL