Love?

For several years my verse was the verse that says, Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength.
I so wanted to do this.
God began to give me the desire of my heart.
Did it come instantly in an overwhelming love for Him?
Nope.
Did I realize what He was doing at the time?
Nope.

For our 15th wedding anniversary we planned a trip with some friends. It was a trip to St Marten. This had for so long been a dream of mine.
I lost some weight and bought some new clothes.
I was feeling good about myself on the outside and I was looking forward to a romantic trip. We got there and it was indeed beautiful. The place where we stayed was great--right on the beach.
We rented a jeep--another dream of mine-- and we set out to see the island.
I kept trying to drum up the feelings I thought I should have been having. Like those commercials you see in magazines or on T.V. Don't they look all dreamy and ecstatic?
I kept waiting for that feeling to hit me-but I felt a little numb. We had a good time- don't get me wrong. But, I almost felt as if I was living out someone else's trip. Kind of like when someone goes some where and they pull out the photo albums and expect you to have as great a time looking at their pictures as they had on the trip.
And then there was the time with Keith. Keith and I were still growing at this time.
We got along fine but we were still struggling with the emotional intimacy and trust.
So we have some good memories of this trip but I don't look back on it with a longing to return.
Sounds like I had a problem doesn't it?
Then there were other things that happened that did not live up to expectations.
Getting a pair of diamond stud earrings.
I did not grow up in money and we had struggled in our marriage for years financially.
Mater of fact the more that my wish list got filled--the more dissatisfied I became.
Getting a new vehicle- didn't do it for me.
Even going to Christian events that I had really been looking forward to left me feeling empty.

During this time something else was changing.
I was beginning to see something else that I wanted. Something that when I was near it-- I quickly became addicted to it. I needed more and I wanted more.
I became a little consumed by it.
What was the it?
It was God.
My relationship with Him started to change. He began to reveal Himself to me.
It became personal, deeply personal.
I shared with Him who I really was. As people are fond of saying--warts and all. And the amazing thing-He loved me still. Deep acceptance grew. Trust grew.
I was complete. I now had what I needed.

I began to like myself and accept myself. It did not come all at one time. Things would change and I would look back and say, Wow, I reacted to that differently. Or thank you God, that did not hurt as bad. As I became aware that I had allowed God to become my protector- I began to feel a safety I had never really felt.
Now that I felt safe in God hands, I could begin to feel safe with others. They could no longer have any power over me that God did not give them.
Safe at last.
This safety allowed me to open myself to my husband.
How he made it through years of marriage with a wife who could not fully give herself to him emotionally--I don't know. Even now just thinking about that makes my heart tender towards him. He was not perfect. He had some growing to do. It takes a lot to love anyone like Christ loves the church. Those are some big shoes to fill.
I am not the same person he married. He did not marry a whole person.
It takes two whole people to fully unit and make one.
We are now part of one body. Our minds are even starting to think alike.
He truly cares when I hurt. That sounds trite. But for years I begged him to see me, to want me.
Not physically want me, but the real me on the inside.
It hurt like nothing I could describe. Like I was have my emotion guts ripped out.
Being rejected by the one who was supposed to love me hurt like nothing else.
I know some of you out there know what I mean.
I am sorry. I would wrap my arms around you if I could. You are not alone.
I love you and so does my God.
I think back over those years of wanting and searching and they no longer hurt.
I now know that my eternal husband was saving me for Himself.
He was not going to allow me to give myself to anything or anyone before I had first given myself to HIM. He was not going to let me loose my heart to something that could be taken away before I realized He was holding out something that would be mine for eternity.
How I love Him.
I pray you know that love.
I pray that you understand that no matter how fantastic your life is--it is nothing compared to what it will be when you learn to love HIM with all your mind, heart, soul and strength.
He already loves you that way.
When the two of you become one--I promise that love will change the rest of your world.

Am I getting joy from the things in my life now?
YOU HAD BETTER BELIEVE IT!