Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Who do you see
First I want to say that I am not looking for anything from you after you read this post. It has been on my mind lately--so I am just going to talk. I hope that after you finish reading--you think. Then look in the mirror.
As a little girl it seemed as if the "outward" me was constantly under attack by the ridicule of people. In other words--there was always something they found to dislike. My looks, my clothes, my personality, my parents, my behavior---this lead to a self image that was not healthy. I remember one guy in the 4 or 5th grade saying, "I would rather date my dog than you". Wonder where he is today? :) No hard feelings--he was just being used.
I was extremely aware of how I appeared to others. Or how I thought I appeared.
The older I got the more I wanted to disappear into the background. If they did not notice me--they could not hurt me with their rejection and hurtful remarks. I was very self conscious about my looks--which I thought made me stick out all the more. The remarks of kids and adults can leave hurt that only the healing hand of the Lord can take away. It was a big thing for me to be able to post that old picture on the post, "Not So Old".
Even through college I avoided a lot of people contact. This of course did not make me the most popular person. It is rough when on the inside your screaming for people to notice you and yet you are scared if they do- they won't find anything they will like. What a mess I WAS.
Then God took me on a little learning journey.
He allowed me to do great things and to begin to like myself for what I could do. Now why would He allow me to like myself in that way? I am not sure.
But He is the teacher and sometimes He allows things we think He shouldn't.
Finally after many years of seeing myself through others eyes and my eyes, He began to show me myself through His eyes. Boy was that the reality check that I needed. It has been an ever developing picture. Sometimes I enjoy the picture and sometimes I hang my head in shame.
But the security in it all ---- I know He loves ME............period.
I don't have to dress a certain way to earn His love and approval--I am already approved in Christ. That is security.
That security brings with it- a new me. But it is not really me. With a knowledge of who I am and how He sees me comes a boldness from the Spirit that amazes me. Sometimes I don't know me.
I hear things coming out of my mouth and I know where they are coming from--the Spirit. It is not me. Me is still shy and lacking everything. But with Him in me--I am lacking in nothing. Yes, God is still working on me. Thank heavens I am not finished.
I am learning that ALL GOOD things come from the Father above. Anything seen in me that is good-----it was a gift. A gift that came from God and has been planted in me by the Spirit. Only in order to draw the eyes of this world back to the Father. Any desire I have to please God or serve another ------it didn't come from me. In me is no good thing. I say that not out of sick insecurity but out of a heart that knows her creator.
So, in me are still memories of a little girl that was insecure..............every once in a while she would like to make me think I am still her. But the one He is molding-- filled with the Spirit of the living God--stands up and has to remind that little girl that she is just a facade. She is not real anymore.
When you look in the mirror who do you see?
Do you see the one He loves?
Or do you see the lie Satan wants you to believe?
I am just a girl looking into her Daddy's eyes for her approval.